Tuesday, May 4, 2010

20 Months and 2 Days

No, it doesn't ease.

It changes, that's all.

There are always new events, new encounters, new tasks ~ and each one brings with it a new facet of pain, or sadness, or longing.

This morning I found myself thinking, "OK, it's been long enough; it's time for you to come home so we can get on with our lives."

I will graduate from seminary in a few weeks. (Assuming that I ever finish The Big Huge Paper about which I have no thoughts whatever.) I wish that that particular event could mean to me what I once anticipated it would. I have no idea what it means now, to me or to anyone else, other than yet another milestone which my family is unable to acknowledge or celebrate together.

I imagine my son saying to me, "Mom, I am so sorry. I love you so much and I did not imagine that I would be transferring my pain to you forever."

But that's only in my imagination.

8 comments:

karen gerstenberger said...

Is it? Or could it be truly his voice? I dare to believe it could be.

I pray that you will find meaning and comfort as you need it, each day. I guess I pray that for all of us on this path. Sending love to you from here.

Lisa :-] said...

Wherever his energy is now, perapas there is a part of him that IS saying that.

Like Karen, I dare to believe it could be...

Cynthia said...

((Robin))

Sarah S-D said...

(((((robin)))))) the last paper is absurdly hard under any circumstances... one day and one word at a time.

Mary Beth said...

((Hugging you))

either way I feel sure he would be saying that.

Karen said...

I'm a skeptic too, but I listen for Joey's voice now and hear him speaking to us, and I know that's Josh speaking to you. It rings true. One day the door will open and you will hear those words face-to-face. For now it's a voice behind the door, but his voice nonetheless. I'm sorry for the lack of graduation celebration, yet understand it perfectly. That real celebration will be another day too. I applaud your courage and faith and hope that keeps you together in the midst of sadness.
Hugs and love to you dear Robin.

Michelle said...

{{{hugs}}}

Rev SS said...

Amen ... What they said.(((R)))