My last post reflected some of the resistance generally characteristic of my life.
In my CPE program at Famous Giant Hospital last summer, we spent a lot of time talking about whether and how physical ailments reflect spiritual ones. One of the more memorable conversations concerned a patient in the hospital for weeks that expanded into months as his heart disease moved a transplant from unlikely possibility to suggestion to top-of-the-list recommendation to reality. "Listen to his story," urged my supervisor. "Look for the ways in which his heart has been broken." As, indeed, it was, with its pieces littering the last decade of his life.
Another one: a patient in for something else but plagued by intestinal problems of the type faced by many of us whose lower GI tract tends to reflect our emotional lives. "Yeah, his s--t, both metaphorical and literal, is all backed up one minute and the next, it's all over the floor. What do you suppose that means?"
So when I say that I haven't had to deal with the connection between body and spirit on a deeply personal level, I don't mean that I know nothing about it from an analytical and intellectual standpoint. I mean that I have never had to address it personally, or have resisted doing so.
I want to make a change, and by that I don't mean that I merely want to acknowledge and accept the ways in which my bodily physical life expresses my interior life of emotion and spirit and soul. I don't want to limit myself to gazing at the s--t all over the floor after the fact.
I want to find ways in which to open and extend and expand my physical self so that it can anticipate and support my spiritual self.
I wish that Beautiful Ballet Dancer lived here. Maybe she would know what to do. I wish that the yoga studio in which a friend and I spent an evening last summer offered something less than an NFL-level workout. I wish that I could touch my calves when I bend over.
It's going to be a long process. But I need to move from these cramped spaces, the interior one that makes my brain hurt and the exterior one that makes my back hurt. Maybe trying to reverse the order will help.