Tuesday, May 4, 2010

20 Months and 2 Days

No, it doesn't ease.

It changes, that's all.

There are always new events, new encounters, new tasks ~ and each one brings with it a new facet of pain, or sadness, or longing.

This morning I found myself thinking, "OK, it's been long enough; it's time for you to come home so we can get on with our lives."

I will graduate from seminary in a few weeks. (Assuming that I ever finish The Big Huge Paper about which I have no thoughts whatever.) I wish that that particular event could mean to me what I once anticipated it would. I have no idea what it means now, to me or to anyone else, other than yet another milestone which my family is unable to acknowledge or celebrate together.

I imagine my son saying to me, "Mom, I am so sorry. I love you so much and I did not imagine that I would be transferring my pain to you forever."

But that's only in my imagination.